It's a Dude Thing

I wish I knew how to be a man. Seriously.

No, I'm not thinking about a sex change operation or making an announcement about my gender. I like being a woman. It's how God made me, and after all these decades, seems to be working for me, last time I checked.

But I'm raising two teenage boys on my own. Their father isn't around and their Grandfather (my father) is deceased. While I might wish to meet a nice man, I'm in no hurry, and have no desire to date just anyone to have a man around the house.  

So where does that leave us? 

Oh yeah, I'm trying to learn to think like a man...

God gave me these boys to raise and he knew what I'd be up against, so He graciously gave the boys great role models in teachers, friends-of-the-family, and via activities. But there's no significant male influence in our home. So it's up to me.

I can teach them manners (so far neither one scratches themselves in public very often) and I can teach them morals, praying they're listening. But the dude stuff? 

About a year ago I realized, I had to get with the program!  

So, we tackle dude-type projects together. Google has become my friend. I research inexpensive do-it-yourself projects and we take them on. The boys have learned about weeding and have done some landscaping and gardening. This spring we plastered and painted the kitchen, and made a backsplash behind the kitchen sink. We work as a family and we work hard. Our results might not be up to Bob Villa's standards, but they're ok!

But what about the rest of the dude-stuff? How to court a woman, how to be a gentleman, how to be a Dad? Well, I just tell them how I think a Man should act, how he should treat a lady, how to be respectful. And they've learned in their own way about how to be a real Dad. Antiquated or not, they open doors for women, they let ladies go first, and while they're a little young for dating I've already said "Well, if you were the parent of a teenage daughter, how would you want a boy to treat HER?" 

I strive to raise up two righteous Christian young men who will go out and be successful in this life -- however that success is defined.

But the other day, a commercial came on tv depicting two men standing at a water cooler. One man started discussing sports, and the other mentioned yoga... Yoga dude ends up with water being thrown in his face. On some levels, I think the commercial is tacky. But, it's as if water was thrown on my face, too, because I realized...  I have to teach a sport to my boys. I don't want them left out at the water cooler when they grow up!

I think my youngest son will be ok, he's sociable and is a great conversationalist. 

But did I mention my oldest is very high functioning autistic? He has Asperger's Syndrome and has to be taught social skills. He's still coming to terms with the fact not every person will want to hear about his latest coin acquisition or his geckos, and he is slowly accepting the notion of making small talk with friends.

So I sat down with the boys and told them, "You have to pick a sport and come to understand it so when you grow up, and other guys at work start talking sports, you can talk about it too and fit in. It's a dude thing." His response was basically, "Mom, I know I'm a guy. I don't have to like sports." I don't know if I was right or wrong, and I don't know what a man would do but I said, "I don't care if it's your favorite thing, but it's something you need to know. It's a man thing."

So now we're going to pay attention to football and hockey a little more than we already do, and I'm going to pray about other male-bonding things I have to teach the boys. 

Because of me, and all the Aunties in their lives, they'll probably be the most polite men around the water cooler, but hopefully, they'll fit in and understand how to act like a dude in a man's world.

Geckos taught My Son to Love

"Mom, I love them" sounds simple enough, but to me... It's truly an answer to prayer.

My oldest son is diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome. He is brilliant in his own way, a junior professor on things of science and history. He is verbal and surprisingly social, loving time spent with his peers in school and marching band. I credit this to lots of therapies, and certainly God's guiding hand.

But one of the challenges persons with Asperger's face is: lack of social or emotional empathy. And one of my son's challenges is having me as a Mom. I hug my friends and am not shy with my sons, or my friends. Daily, I tell my children I love them. I hug them, I praise them, I support them, even as I discipline them.

My examples, combined with his own sweet heart, planted well in my youngest son. He, too, is a hugger and has a kind, caring heart. He worries about others and has a social conscience.

But my oldest. I had to teach him to give "a two-armed hug" even when he shied away from physical contact with family members. And I had to teach him that a handshake (which he prefers to hugs) is not only considered a  social statement of respect, but expected in our society. So now he extends his hand in greeting not so much out of happiness to see his friends ("Don't they know I'm happy to see them?") but because he's learned it is a proper social gesture.

When he became obsessed, as those with Asperger's will do, with weather and storms, I became concerned. Never once did I hear him talk about all the people affected by Katrina or Andrew. But I heard all about the incredible power within these storms. So every time he started discussing these intense storms, I would remind him of the social toll of the storms, of the ways humanity was touched. I deliberately sought pictures and stories about the human element. Thus, over time, he learned not only fascinating statistics, but he also learned about devastation, of the faces of loss, and he would have to answer my question: "How do you think those people feel now?"

He learned to empathize or at least, how to think in terms of humanity. I am proud of him!

But L-O-V-E. How was I supposed to teach this abstract feeling? Through works of the care and concern for others? Through story books? Sure, we can do all that... but I worried. And I prayed. Would he ever really understand what it is to love someone? Could he come to love someone?

Did I mention I prayed about this? And don't we know God hears the smallest whisper of our heart? He knows the desires of our hearts? He heard my prayers...

And he sent two leopard geckos home with my son one day. A science teacher could no longer care for the geckos in her home and asked Robert if he would like to raise them. She gave the geckos, an aquarium, and starter items to my son. Eeks! I was less than happy about having reptiles in my house. But God has used them to teach my son how to care for others, how to give of himself, how to show concern, how to nurture and....he has learned to love!  

So the other day, as I watched the delight dance across my son's face, and he said "Mom I love them" when he talked about his geckos, I gave thanks!

Sometimes I feel very needy as I turn to God, but I am constantly being reminded... don't stop praying! He hears our prayers, and He will answer, in His time and in His way. Even with a couple of geckos.

How Do I Look?

When you hear the word "Single Mom" what image comes to mind? C'mon, confess: an image came to mind.Was the woman young or old? White, black, hispanic? Was she dressed conservatively or immodest? Did you picture a hoard of children or perhaps just one or two?

How about we change the negative stereotyping of Single Moms? Many of us work, more than one job, to provide for our children. We pray, we tithe, we volunteer in our community. We are the sole decision makers for our family and often the sole financial resource for our families. We are law-abiding persons striving to raise beautiful children.

Yet, we endure condescending comments like "I know what you go through, my husband travels a lot." Really? That makes you understand the demands of a single parent? Boy, you're not seeing the real picture!

Single Moms are patronized and demeaned. We lay awake worrying about paying for doctor's visits, band fees, babysitters. We are tired. We wait on an antiquated child support enforcement system to help us meet our children's needs. We put our social lives on hold, and we lift up our children! We are seen as weak, undeducated, and somehow "less" because circumstances have led us to this place in life. The sermons we hear in church are often (wonderful yet) geared to the two-parent family. We feel embarrassed about our divorce or our choices in life so we feel as if we are less. We don't need you to help us feel any less or to see us as any less.

We are tired. We are working hard and doing the best we can. We put ourselves last. We are broken. But we are striving and we seek peace!

Instead of pitying us, instead of saying "Glad it's not me" ... How about stepping up and pitching in. Offer a night of babysitting for free, fix a meal, mow the lawn. Put your faith into action!

And instead of patronizing us, put us on your prayer list. Make us your daily prayer... so that we may fully come to find peace in God, that we come to understand we are never alone, that we feel rejuvenated in spirit and strong enough to fight off the world's negative messages. Prayer changes, Prayer empowers, Prayer helps. (Thank God, it has changed me!) ... And prayer will also help you see us as we truly are.